Thursday, May 24, 2012

No, You Let Go...

Photo Credit: A Place to Love Dogs
"It is impossible to hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held. If you are still holding on; chances are he hasn't let go either."
I was reminded of the aforementioned "truth" on Wednesday, when my lunch date abruptly cancelled due to a family emergency.
The wild part of the scenario was he was almost to my apartment but had to turn around.

Through no fault of his, this action sent me into a low-level panic attack.  During my rising level of anxiety my sister text and asked for us to meet up this weekend and travel to an event together. I told her I would meet her at the venue instead. As soon as my response left my lips I realized I was reacting from my trigger release. 
After doing my evening chant and meditation My “Airport” Guy’s words surfaced
“You travel alone so you won’t have to wait for anyone.” 
Classic Control freak behavior.  People, who suffer from abandonment issues, as I do, display one or more of these behaviors in their life. 

Clingers – any relationship will do as long as s/he is in one even if it’s bad.

Doers – S/he believes as long as s/he does all these wonderful things for his/her mate s/he won’t possibly want to leave. )

Control Freaks:
Non-attachment – reluctant to form an attachment to anyone/thing with a heartbeat sometimes even reluctant completing activities –never finishing.

Servers - Will serve but won’t accept service (Icandoitmydayumself)

Extreme behavior –sociopath

Any of us who can identify with fear of abandonment issues and subsequent behavior  may believe it stems from parental abandonment, parental death, death of spouse, spouse divorcing mate, death of family member, sexual abuse, etc. but I realize all of those are earthly manifestations of what I tricked myself into believing was the primordial abandonment in “heaven” when THE ONE sent me here but today I know that is lie. 
After my near fatal car crash, I remember returning to the source and soon after basking in ITS comfort I said,

“I want to go back. There are a few things I want to do”

and with G-D’s speed I remember returning to earthly consciousness in the arms of my friend’s mother.  So it was me who left  AND with THE ONE’s blessing and speed. 
Oddly enough in remembering that moment I also remembered another pivotal moment. I was in my early 20s standing in the streets begging my then lover not to leave me. 

I pleaded and scream to him  through my tears (it was one of my most embarrassing moments) he walked away anyway and into the arms of another woman.  Still more than 30 years later – he didn’t leave me. It was like we made a pact – good gosh he’s like gum on my shoe lol ok J/K.

 All this to say “On Earth as it is in Heaven”  “As above, so below”. 

Today,  I’m so thankful my lunch date cancelled because I remembered  the TRUTH is no matter what happens I’m never alone ‘cause G-D/LOVE/DIVINE whatever I call I AM:
"Got Me Always…"



  1. I Tonda, am too a control freak. I find it hard at times to remember that I am not alone because my Creator is with me. I'm sure my forgetfulness isn't helping with my control issues.

    1. LOL...Tonda, I apologize for lol-ing if you don't mean to be humorous but your comment makes me giggle - It reminds me so much of my own "walk"