Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Intimate Friends

"As within, so without. As above, so below"
Photo Credit: Zazzle
About a week after an unforgettable night and into the morning - make- you-late-for-your-flight (not mine, his) intimacy he sent me a message about "happiness is within." 
I was out of the country when he sent it - so I didn't get it until I landed and turned on my phone. 
It was one of those "random" stop me in my tracks message because like any woman I could have made up in my mind that this Dude was the answer to my lonely moments. Yes, I write moments because face it, my gig takes me around the world - the moments are GMT (Greenwich Mean Time) and lonely is far and few in between.

Now maybe I might have read too much into his message and maybe it is true dudes are "simple" but since I'm not, I see things how I live and everything I communicate is calculated.  So his message in my eyes was one of "Teacher-Student" moments.   I responded to him “This is how I live. I am always happy because I choose to be.  Happiness is a choice.”   But the more I thought about his message, the deeper it appeared and caused me to reflect on the times that I did let my "love life” take my happiness and land me in hell.  Well that simple reflection led me to this:  


“Happiness is not something that someone else like a boyfriend or girlfriend can give to us. We have to achieve it for ourselves and the only way to do so is by developing our own character and capacity as human beings. In fully realizing our own potential, if we sacrifice our growth and talent for love we absolutely will not find happiness.” Daisaku Ikeda

Standing alone upon the firm foundation of our own happiness we can then seek out and nurture contributive, sharing relationships in which we give our love freely without attachments and expectations. We are not needy of the other nor are we addicted to the other – a relationship between two such people brings a deep and abiding love”… ~The Buddha in your Mirror


Subconsciously I knew there was another type of intimate relationship than the relationships I’d witnessed in media. The Contributive/Interdependent relationship was one I’ve been seeking practically all my adult life – but have had little success finding it simply because most of us only know one type of relationship the “Dependent” quid pro quo relationship.

After my ex-husband and I failed to keep our marriage commitment, and acquaintances wanting us to marry too quickly leaving us without a foundation; I began to seek relationships with emotionally unavailable men and quickly sabotage it once “he” became available and changed. I didn’t realize it then but now I know that some of us are emotionally unavailable because we grow weary of others expectations of us. Since I had no expectations of these men they subsequently became present in the relationship. 

Aside: What a concept!  No expectation or attachment in a relationship and suddenly you get both when you were never expecting anything.  Well at least thanks to the little message about happiness he “randomly” sent to me now I know why I made those choices. 


One of my heartbeats used to say "WHY is a no-credit course" – but I have to disagree.  Knowing why you do the things you do, even if it’s confabulation is one step towards knowing who you are and knowing your purpose.  – Or as the oracle said in Matrix 2 “we can never see past the choices we don’tunderstand - you’ve already made the choice, now you have to understand it”.

You are your choices.  Understanding why you’ve made them helps you to understand you.   Unfortunately, so many of us rather hold a false image of ourselves instead of knowing who we really are, that we avoid intimacy like the plague in an effort not to see the human in the mirror.  

We think if we can have a monogamous relationship it will be safe to reveal ourselves under the protective cloak of “commitment”. This rarely works in a dependent quid pro quo relationship. We spend most of the time fighting for what we think we want that we never get what we need which is growth –relieving ourselves from our delusions and weaknesses.  

Or we believe if remain independent and abstain from sex or quickly jump from one sex partner to another without looking back then we can hide (from ourselves).  Fortunately, revealing the real you can only happen in the context of intimate relationships in which you are present. Yet it can be painful to see who you are but it is very necessary if you ever want to grow into who you are meant to be in an effort to display the true talent(s) you possess. 

I couldn’t see my state of unhappiness – maybe he couldn’t see it either but once we became intimate I could see him as clearly as he could see me – “Mirror, Mirror” - and once he did –his message to me became intentional whether he meant it to be or not.  

This is what happens when you are present during intimacy. 
You give your lover a gift of insight.

And without attachment or expectation I was able to find what I’d been seeking –understanding why I made the choices I’d made in my past intimate relationships. Now I can move from the past – and be present in the moments.




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