Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Soul Mates, Goal Mates or Stale Mates

Desire is a powerful aphrodisiac.

 It is what fuels the vision and brings it to fruition in this realm of existence. Desire will make a “rich man weak and knock him off his feet” thinking he has a mighty love – but as the song implies desire is expressed in so many ways  that sometimes it can be the very foundation of deception.  

Case-in-point, my husband may have thought my desire was for him – and in many ways it was but my desire was fueled by the fact that I saw in him my unborn daughters.

Let me back up.  In the 90s, I had a vision.  I wanted more children.  I was on the hunt for superior genes, a man who possessed those genes and was willing to share.   I found him, told him my vision and it became OUR goal. He was so committed to the vision he would keep a cold bottle of Pepsi between his legs when he'd drive. 

In 1991 my vision became our goal and our goal became a reality – we gave birth to twin girls! They are college seniors and are expected graduate next year. (Fingers crossed)

I supposed we could’ve continued our marriage –that is if I came up with a new vision for us– but soon after the twins were born, I had new visions for MY life.  At the time, I didn’t realize I didn’t create visions where I needed a GOAL MATE.  My goals didn’t include my husband.   My desire, the very thing I used to entice this man marry me no longer existed for him. My desire existed for my career as a news anchor-reporter at CBS Network affiliate– my goal:  an Emmy-winning broadcast journalist. 

With my focus on my goals my professional life soared. My personal life suffered and brought me to an arbitrator’s office with me facing my husband on the opposite side of the table –with his lawyer by his side and my lawyer by mine. 

I think, often times a lack of vision and goals is why relationships fail –or never manifest into anything more than “shopping sprees, late night creeps, VIP,  no  mo’ dough,  we can’t even kick it no mo’."

Or maybe some people can sustain a relationship on nothing but “he look good; I want him.”  What I’ve found, however, is without a vision, desire has nothing to fuel – so it produces no goal – which I believe is the definition of lust.  Lust is a longing and it is easy to get distracted and run to the next good-looking man because there’s no goal in place to keep you focused.  

This became clear to me, when my dearly-departed bestie once said to me when I told her about my newest eye-candy;  

“So you want to sleep with him every night and wake up with him every morning but whatcha gonna do with him during the day?”

I was stumped.  I didn’t have an answer.

It is the days that have to be fueled with purpose in an effort to make a life with someone.

If you do make it down the aisle then lack of vision could be why 50 % of most marriages fail.   If the couple’s vision is to have to have a wedding all their desire will fuel that goal.  The marriage will last the time it takes to mail out the last thank-you card.  If the goal is to have children – 6 years max for 3 stair-steps –by the time the first one is school –it’s a wrap. 

Sustainable marriages have multiple layers of visions, which keep generating desire to achieve goals long after the wedding dress and tux fit.   

Or maybe the vision is as simple as a shared love of music and a promise to be each other’s witness to prove each existed.

There’s a video  making its rounds through social media about 95 year-old Fred Stobaugh who lost his wife after 73 years marriage.  

A month after her death Stobaugh entered a song-writers contest.  His only musical skill was a vision –fueled by his desire to let the world know how special his wife was to him. 

Slobaugh entered the contest – and while he didn’t win the grand prize – he achieve his goal.   Singer songwriter  Jacob Colgan put his words to music and now the song "Sweet Lorraine”  produced by Green Shoe Studio is for sale on ITunes.   …

"When Desire fuels a Vision it produces a Goal. Once we achieve our goal– it becomes part of Destiny."

The Thriving Writer  @


  1. PROFOUND. You hit it on the head. I was just speaking to a friend last night on almost that same rationalizing(I wonder if it's a Tech thing). I was telling her I was looking for a good mother for my children, since the mother of my two biological daughters already had a two yr old, I was able to witness firsthand her motherly qualities...but what happens after the nurturing years? Don't get me wrong, this was not the end-all to the marriage, but it was certainly a contributing factor to the ending of the marriage.

  2. Thank you for sharing. You are so right. There has to be a business relationship. Without it we are damned to hit a wall of regrets.